http://www.roachfiend.com/sa/enadlib.html 

Very. 

LOL.

Did you notice about 2 days ago in General Abuse i mentioned you had not posted here yet?

I glad you have responded in such a wonderful manner, well played that man! 

now, this board is turning to SA thread by thread

damnit 

I don't even know where to start, doods. i was at home today, because i got today off from ID Software. around noon, a girl i kinda know from my neighborhood named Davina McCall came over to hang out. she's kinda cute, but i had never really thought about messing around with her.

nothing much happened first, but then we started to get busy. she started to lick my Gooch, which was cool at first, but then it started to feel weird.

i started to tell her to stop, but just then my mom walked in. she totally freaked. she sreamed 'John Carmack! you can't have some girl licking your Gooch! you'll never become a Game God if you act like this!'

i said, no, mom! we were just talking about 'GTK Radiant 1.2.1'.

she didn't buy it, though. she had a really Orgasmo-filled look in her eye, which made me nervous as hell.

she said to me, 'well, i'm going to punish you. you better take your Under Garment off, because i want in on some of this.'

all i thought was, DAMN. my mom has the hots for me.

all this time though, the seven Lightly Salted Sausages i ate for lunch started to catch up with me. i could feel my stomach rumbling as i desperately tried to think of a way to rush to the bathroom. this was about to get messy.

all of the licking from my mom and Davina McCall really started to get my Gooch throbbing. before i could warn either of them, a huge explosion of Lightly Salted Sausages-enhanced pool of shit shot out of my ass and splashed all over the Wooden Floor.

to my surprise, instead of them freaking out, they actually screamed 'Ooooooh God!', and proceeded to play in my Lightly Salted Sausages-enhanced pool of feces. afterwards we all cleaned up the Conservatory, and shared a cigarette.

what do you think i should tell my dad? 

Is gooch really an american word? 

heard "gooch" before.

. o O ( sick people.. *goes back to porn* ) 

there's a good lad... 

you are aware that if you post while logged out, it doesn't affect your postcount, right? 

I can't believe I actually posted this embaressing story here. 

Just (maybe) a stupid question: how old are you ? 

man, am i glad i missed this the first time around... 

i always suspected such a backstory to our resident crustacean, but never something so vile! 

Double-Yew-Tee-Eff Mate?

:psyduck: 

That's the most damn overused smiley on the SA forums. :colbert:

Scampie: please post more stories. 

I've been diagnosed with a tuba. 

That's the most damn overused smiley on the SA forums. :colbert:

:smith: 

It all started when our over-heralded star, Scampie, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling excessively exasperated, Scampie punched a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few unsatisfying minutes later, he realized that his beloved GTKRadiant was missing! Immediately he called his so-called buddy, Biff. Scampie had known Biff for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Biff was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... pestering. Scampie called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Biff picked up to a very glad Scampie. Biff calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras panic before mating, yet albino cats usually flamboyantly turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Scampie. Why was Biff trying to distract Scampie? Because he had snuck out from Scampie's with the GTKRadiant only two days prior. It was a exotic little GTKRadiant... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Scampie got back to the subject at hand: his GTKRadiant. Biff shuddered. Relunctantly, Biff invited him over, assuring him they'd find the GTKRadiant. Scampie grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Biff realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the GTKRadiant and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Scampie took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least eight minutes before Scampie would get there. But if he took the Scampmobile? Then Biff would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Biff was interrupted by eleven pestering fucking bears that were lured by his GTKRadiant. Biff grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aimlessly reached for his carrot and aimlessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Scampmobile rolling up. It was Scampie. 

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Scampie was out of the Scampmobile and went exotically jaunting toward Biff's front door. Meanwhile inside, Biff was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the GTKRadiant into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his canoe. Biff was displeased but at least the GTKRadiant was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Biff wildly purred. With a skillful push, Scampie opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling genocidal maniac in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Biff assured him. Scampie took a seat vaguely close to where Biff had hidden the GTKRadiant. Biff panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Scampie was distracted. Just as zero people expected Biff noticed a insensitive look on Scampie's face. Scampie slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Biff felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Scampie asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the GTKRadiant right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Scampie's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Scampie nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Biff could react, Scampie thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The GTKRadiant was plainly in view.

Scampie stared at Biff for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Biff groped sassily in Scampie's direction, clearly desperate. Scampie grabbed the GTKRadiant and bolted for the door. It was locked. Biff let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Scampie,' he rebuked. Biff always had been a little annoying, so Scampie knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Biff did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his GTKRadiant tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Biff looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Scampie. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Scampie. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Biff walked over to the window and looked down. Scampie was gone. 

Just yonder, Scampie was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Biff's place. Scampie had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral fucking bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the GTKRadiant. One by one they latched on to Scampie. Already weakened from his injury, Scampie yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of fucking bears running off with his GTKRadiant.

About four hours later, Scampie awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Scampie did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy foxy forest, Scampie was exceedingly lost. A few unfulfilled decades later, he remembered that his GTKRadiant was taken by the fucking bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged fucking bear emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha fucking bear. Scampie opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the fucking bear sunk its teeth into Scampie's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Scampie's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than six miles away, Biff was entombed by anguish over the loss of the GTKRadiant. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Scampie... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the GTKRadiant that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant fucking bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'( 

Not gonna read it. 

me to :\ my english is already weak :\ to many lines to read i get lost in meadle...ehehe 

...he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade.

It was worth it just for that :) 

"In the African-American hoodoo tradition, as well as in Sicilian folk-magic, menstrual blood served to a man in his coffee or tea is a sovereign recipe for capturing his sexual attention. No ritual, prayer, or invocation is necessary; you simply add some menstrual blood to the man's coffee or tea. The idea is to get your scent into the beloved's sphere of consciousness. This is nothing more or less than pheromone-magic, and as such it partakes of biology as much as it does of occultism. My Sicilian grandmother believed in its efficacy completely.

I have done this often, with uniformly good results. I have directly fed gobbets of menstruum to my lover, from my fingers, as one might feed a pet. This was done to bind him, but to avoid the sneakiness of slipping it into his drinks -- i want him to KNOW how much i want him to be mine, and to know that i am working the spell on him right out in the open. (As the old slogan for the Steak-and-Shake drive-in chain reads: In sight -- it must be right!)" 

Thread delivered, voted five.

Although this sentence, "Scampie had known Biff for (plus or minus) 61 years," does almost seem possible the way so many of us are addicted to #tf and have been for the best part of a decade now. :-o