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Irqle continued walking until he saw the limestone oven up ahead, it furnace heat bleaching the sky red red. Staying on the edge of the lit penumbra he watched the scene unfold. A gaunt figure was watching his oven intently as a burning imp climbed from within.
Then the ground ripped asunder and Irqle fell into the void. It went on for eternity, but it was not a fall; there was no wind, no air, and barely any light, just a feeble glow beneith him. He looked down but now the light seemed to be behind him - or behind his head? His eyes? He tried to right himself to face downwards but there was no atmosphere on which to brace himself against. Without outside stimulus his mind retreated into itself and he ceased to exist in this plane, his body consumed itself along with its soul. Pure thought existed for Irqle. We move through timebackwards he thought, that is the reason we can see the past but not the future. When we turn and face the future we forget what has made us who we are and see only ethereal shadows. And heaven is below us. With these realisation he awoke and looked down at the ashtray in the mansion, where he had been all along. The magic wierdroot cigarette had burnt out and his head cleared. He walked to the window and saw the clear dawn. He turned and looked at her asleep in the bed, a small frown on her face; dreaming. There was a noise behind him, from the window. He turned and saw - Irqle continued walking until he saw the limestone oven up ahead, it furnace heat bleaching the sky red red. Staying on the edge of the lit penumbra he watched the scene unfold. A gaunt figure was watching his oven intently as a burning imp climbed from within.
Then the ground ripped asunder and Irqle fell into the void. It went on for eternity, but it was not a fall; there was no wind, no air, and barely any light, just a feeble glow beneith him. He looked down but now the light seemed to be behind him - or behind his head? His eyes? He tried to right himself to face downwards but there was no atmosphere on which to brace himself against. Without outside stimulus his mind retreated into itself and he ceased to exist in this plane, his body consumed itself along with its soul. Pure thought existed for Irqle. We move through timebackwards he thought, that is the reason we can see the past but not the future. When we turn and face the future we forget what has made us who we are and see only ethereal shadows. And heaven is below us. With these realisation he awoke and looked down at the ashtray in the mansion, where he had been all along. The magic wierdroot cigarette had burnt out and his head cleared. He walked to the window and saw the clear dawn. He turned and looked at her asleep in the bed, a small frown on her face; dreaming. There was a noise behind him, from the window. He turned and saw - He turned and saw a fire hydrant. No doubt there were more of the things nearby, waiting in the pre-dawn light before the square blue sun commenced its usual singing fall into the sky.
He sighed, fretting about the lawn and wishing she wasn't so soft-hearted about feeding the damn things. Why, just yesterday he'd had to chivvy one back outside when it tried to follow her in! His gaze then fell on the shoebox. Oh, yeah, Linus's universe. He should really call in on the Gumbridges, hand over their boy's prized possession, ask if he'd been found yet. And suggest they find a more suitable container for a cosmos. Sure, the kid had worked with what he had, but Irqle was sure that if a Type III civilisation emerged, it wouldn't be impressed to learn its home was labelled "Przyltyk Fazzgler (red/grey), size 5" and held together with sellotape. I want you banned, right now. I don't like that you ruin everything for me, czg and fatcontroller.
Irqle peered into the endless night that peered back at him with heavy portent. The wind chilled his bones into a cold, stone-like chillyness. It was a night that reminded him of that night, many years ago, when he aquired the memory he is about to relive, at least in his mind...
The young Irqle looked up at the candy shop owner. "Please sir, may I have a candy?" Before the candy shop owner could crush his hopes and dreams with the hope-crushing and dream-flattening facts of a free-market economy (for the kingdom back then was still economically free,) a thunderous boom collided with the storefront, shattering every pane of glass in the shop, which luckily were made of carmelized sugar as the glassmaker's guild had been on strike since the Sixth year of the Wolf. The shopkeeper exclaimed, "By Krondor! What was that?" exclaimed the shopkeeper. "I AM MAGLADORNE!" boomed a voice. "I HAVE COME FOR YOUR LICORICE!". Irqle looked outside and saw an enormous stone in the middle of the street. How it produced speech, how it got into the middle of the street or how it would use the candy were things impossible to comprehend. Irqle approached the rock cautiously...
...as Irqle moved closer to the rock, unicorn nibbled hand still trembling in some kind of perma-orgasmic state, the rock began to shudder and and wobble from side to side. Suddenly, it snapped around to face Irqle, revealing a strange opening, somewhat resembling a petrified vagina, much like the ones Irqle had seen in the forest of petrified vaginas that he used to play in as a child.
Irqle was surprised, and slightly perturbed by the sight that lay before him, and began edging slowly backwards. "STOP! I HAVE COME FOR LICORICE!", screamed the rock - almost sounding like a child throwing a tantrum. "I AM MAGLADORNE AND REQUIRE LICORICE!" Although the sight of a petrified vagina was not new to Irqle, the sight of a talking petrified vagina was. The way the toughened lips moved as it spoke was outright disturbing, and the wet squelching sound that accompanied the movement made Irqle sick to his stomach. Irqle started continued to move back, but stopped dead as the rock continued, "DO NOT FLEE FROM MAGLADORE! MAGLADORE WILL NOT EAT YOU! MAGLADORE EATS ONLY MARZIPAN." "M.. marzipan?", said Irqle as he looked at the rock, trying to peer into it's vagina shaped mouth for evidence of a tongue. "Why do you need licorice if you eat only marzipan?" "SILENCE! THAT IS NO BUSINESS OF YOURS! I REQUIRE LICORICE AND HAVE COME TO GET LICORICE!". The rock paused for a moment, as if to recover it's breath, before screaming "NOW FETCH ME SOME LICORICE YOU FILTHY PEASANT BOY!" "ok, ok! I'll get you some licorice. Red or black?" "BLACK OF COURSE, YOU STUPID PIECE OF FILTH!" Irqle went into the shop to see if he could find some black licorice. Unfortunately, all he could find were jars bearing the words "Good Olde Fashonned English Liquorice". "Damn, I'll never find licorice in here. Maybe I should ask the shopkeep for help?" Irqle turned around to speak to the shopkeep, only to find the man passed out under the counter with his trousers pulled down just far enough to reveal his pasty white backside. A trickle of drool was running from the shopkeep's lifeless gob, and white foam was built up on his lips. His body remained motionless, aside from his left hand, which was trembling in the same manner as Irqle's. The back door of the shop was open and a strange smell hung in the air... CZG WAS JOKING AND TRYING TO piss you off and stop this silly thing! Also i cant be arsed to read any of this besides czg's genious part. czg czg czg. czg.
czg! He looked around, bewildered.
Seeing a sword propped up against a nearby obstruction, he was overcome by another psychotic episode. In a fit of righteous rage, in an act that would finally give life value, he culminated what his troubled childhood had started. He took the sword by the hilt and inverted the massive blade, until its shining, menacing point was inches away from his solar plexus. Pointing the sword upwards, so that this angel of death would plunge deep, deeper into his lungs and heart, he steeled himself for what was to come. Flexing his entire body, straining against himself like the tortured soul that he is, he begins to plunge the sword through his abdomen. As the point touched his skin, drawing blood, he... disappeared, he was gone. He had traveled to the world beyond, for those sane enough to dare to be insane. There were strange luminescent flowers, growing in a desert. There were stars above, and there was a warm breeze in the air. He heard a clicking and clattering noise. He looked around himself and saw tens of thousands little crabs running towards his right. Irqle looked to his left as he heard a large wooshing sound, and he spotted an enormous caterpillar, it seemed to be sucking in the clouds of gas that erupted when you stepped on the flowers. It was moving at quite a bit of speed, and Irqle decided to run off in the same direction as the little crabs, his bare feet frantically pushing the sand towards the caterpillar, slowly and inefficiently moving him towards safety. He fell to the ground of exhaustion, and protected himself with his arms during the fall, as he pushed away from the desert floor his hand plunged into the dune, and he felt his fist wrap around a cylindrical object, probably a spire of some sort, he tugged it out of the sand and had a look at it.
it was a container. The bottom came loose, and a shiny dagger came out. He was delighted. He put the tip on his stomach and both hands on the handle, ready to thrust himself to sweet oblivion. This time it would be real.
[q]the story has gotten TOO random now. I want to know more about the unicorn and magladorne. What happened to the sweetshop owner? What about the pissing angels and melting witches? EH? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ABOUT CRABS?[/q]
Irqle suddenly came to. What was he doing with a dagger held to his stomach. What had things come to? He's been gnawed on by a horny unicorn, insulted by a rock, pissed on my an angel, chased by crabs and been drawn into a bizzare mystery involving the ass-raping of a shop keeper, but were things really so bad he needed to take his own life? Did he really want to push that dagger into his stomach? No. Irqle paused. Irqle plunged the dagger into his chest, thrusting it with ease through his ribs and into his lungs. Irqle dropped to the floor, gasping, blood gushing from the cut. He wanted to end his nightmare now. Grinning as he bore the pain of his self-inflicted injury, Irqle dragged the blade across his chest, cutting through flesh, bone and sinew. Blood was gushing from every orifice now - his eyes, his mouth, nose, ears, anus and urethra al dripping blood. Irqle could no longer see. Was it the blood clouding his vision, or was his horrible dream coming to an end? Irqle sagged further towards the ground as he weakened, but still alive continued to slice himself slowly in two. "Why the fuck am I not dead yet?" Irqle gurgled. "What is the fucking hold up?". With that, Irqle slid the dagger out of his side and rammed it into his forehead. The dagger slid easily into Irqle's skull, immediately having an effect. Irqle felt woozy, as if he was about to drift of into another dream - another nightmare perhaps. As Irqle cut through his skull towards his eyes, the blade seemed to begin to stick. Irqle was getting weak. Iqrle grasped the dagger sticking out of his head but couldn't move it. He was weakening all over. Things were going from red to black. Irqle passed out. "WHERE'S MAGLADORNE'S LICORICE!?" boomed a familiar voice. Irqle looked up. He was covered in blood, but somehow was back in the sweetshop. He looked around, there was blood everywhere. Jars lay on the floor, hand prints on the lid as if someone had been trying to pry them off. Some jars were smashed, others had been placed back on the shelves and were filled with blood and what looked like human body parts. The shopkeeper's body was missing. What had happened here? Looking around the room in astonishment, Irqle's gaze came to rest on the counter, upon which a particularly long jar rested. The blood stained label read "LICORICE", but inside the jar was what looked like a dismembered penis - maybe 15.35 inches long, by Irqle's estimation. It was magnificent. "LICORICE!!!!!! EEEE NEEEEDDDSSSS LICORIIIIISSSSHHHH!" I haven't been arsed to read anything of this. Not even the original post except for the guy's name.
In conclusion: cocks Then he saw the shopkeeper, partially dismember, sans penis, nailed to the ceiling. Magladorne had broken through the front window and wall of the shop, his freat rocky body shattering the bottles and jars lining the shelves, his gaping stone vagina opening and closing mindlessly with a howling gutteral roaring. Irqle scrambled backwards from this horrifing vision (not that he wasn�t used to petrified vaginas) and soiled himself as he frantically searched for an exit. Finding the door he realised it was locked. In his panic he glanced up at the dismembered shopkeeper and saw the key clutched in his dead hand, rigor mortis holding it there. Being only five years old in this flashback he was too short to reach the ladder that would allow an adult to reach the ceiling and hence the dead shopkeeper and hence the key. Magladorne continued to howl and rave, glass and sweets flying eveywhere. A gobstopper flew across the room and smacked Irqle in the forehead, knocking him out.
When he came to Magladorne was still there, but silent and still. Irqle heard a sobbing sound and saw a tiny hippotamous crouched on top of the rocky form of Magladorne next to a small hatch set in its surface. The tiny hippo was nibbling forlornly on a small piece of marzipan and noticed the shit smeared Irqle looking up at him. "Why didn�t you give me licourice? Now it�s out of fuel and I�ll get eaten by the . . . The unicorn had raped and killed the shopkeeper. Irqle had been dreaming and dismembered the shopkeeper. He was going to feed magladorne the penis - which was magical, and would free magladorne from his stone curse, turning him into a real vagina. At this point, Irqle sells him for mega bucks to a sex change clinic and buys a luxury home in malibu and gets a hot but braindead trophy wife. His trophy wife later turns out to be a man who had a sex change at the clinic where Magladorne ended up. Magladorne confesses his love for Irqle and insists that Irqle use his riches to build a giant licorice island in the shape of a swan. Irqle agrees, and they go to live on the island. However, the unicorn shows up later, and Irqle has an affair with it. Magladorne is hurt and murders Irqle and the unicorn in a fit of passionate rage. Irqle rides the unicorn to the gates of heaven, where they meet the angel that had saved Irqle before. The angel tells Irqle that no pets are allowed in heaven, so they go to purgatory. Whilst in purgatory, Irqle makes a disguise for the unicorn so that it looks like a badly disfigured woman. They go back to the gates of heaven and manage to get in. However, upon entering heaven, they both realise that the names of heaven and hell had always been confused, so they had in fact ended up in hell. Irqle and the unicorn both become Satans bitches. The end.
Did anyone see where I was going at all? Morons!
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